


I Don't Want Him I Want You

by sapphicsvenji



Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: Bashful!Benji, Cheating, Comfort, Coming Out, Confessions, Episode: s1x07 What Happens in Wilacoochie, M/M, Rewritten Scene, because I said so, confident!victor, its slight but its there, makeout sessions, nervous!victor, s2 boyfriends where u at, worried!benji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:27:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25648048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicsvenji/pseuds/sapphicsvenji
Summary: My own version of THAT scene in 1x07What happens if Victor came out to Benji instead of kissing him? How does Benji react? Will Victor tell Benji how he feels about him? Does Benji feel the same way? Confessions are made and things are to be dealt with.
Relationships: Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar
Comments: 26
Kudos: 192





	I Don't Want Him I Want You

**Author's Note:**

> hiii venji nation :)) i hope u all enjoy...this is my first ever fic i've uploaded and i hope it's good !! anywho pls feel free to leave any tips or constructive criticism! ok ily i hope this doesn't suck bye.

“Night.” Victor mumbled, as Benji turned over to turn off the light and laid down to sleep. 

He was going to tell him. He was going to come out to him. Thank goodness Benji had stopped that from happening. Like what if he looked at him differently? Yes, Benji is gay himself, but what if he could see right through Victor and knows he’s head over heels in love with him?

Wait.. in love? God, Victor was so fucked. He can’t stand the thought of losing Benji. He can’t lose him, he can’t lose the one person who makes him feel most himself, who he’s the most comfortable around, where doesn’t have to put on a fake smile and put on an act. That’s not an option. 

A flash of lightning woke Victor from his thoughts, causing him to jump a little. He hated thunderstorms. He just hated loud noises in general. It was gonna be a long night.

Sighing in defeat, he got under the covers, laying down, careful not to glide his legs against Benji. That was the very last thing he needed to do. He’s had his fair share of gay panics today, there was absolutely no need to add to the list. He knew he couldn’t repress his feeling anymore, no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t not anymore. It was going on for far too long and it was eating him up inside. He couldn’t take it anymore, he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He just wants to breathe and just be… himself. He is gay and he has to live his life. Benji’s story was like a wake up call. He can’t keep living as someone he isn’t. It needs to stop now.

Victor let’s out a shaky breathe, covering his face with his hands. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. He just needs to get through tonight and everything will be just fine. 

A small whisper pulls him out from his thoughts, “Is everything okay?” Asked Benji, concern in his voice.

He pulls his hands from his face, looking over to see Benji looking at him with worried eyes. The sight made Victor’s heart melt, he didn’t know what he did to deserve someone like him. He doesn’t deserve him at all. That’s just that.

“U-uhm, yeah, everything is perfectly fine.” That would’ve been believable if his voice didn’t crack. Why couldn’t he just keep it together? God, he was such a mess. 

“No you aren’t, I can tell when you’re lying to me. What’s going on? Talk to me.” Benji pried, scooting closer to him. God if he scooted any closer to him, he was gonna fucking lose his shit. Why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn’t he just be straight and make it easier for him.

Victor shakes his head, “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay. Just go back to sleep.” He tried reassuring him, but surely that didn’t work and Victor somehow knew it wasn’t going to.

Benji sits up, turning the light back on, “Victor, I am not going to sleep until you tell me what’s going on,” He tugs at Victor’s arm, making him sit up. Even more worry washes over his face as he sees Victor’s eyes are watery, “Vic, you’re crying. Please, tell me what’s going on. I hate to see you like this.” He wipes Victor’s tears away with his thumb, causing his heart rate to speed up. He wouldn’t be surprised if Benji could hear it.

“I-“ Is all Victor manages to get out, lost for words. What was he even supposed to say? He didn’t even know where to start, and he can’t tell him about his feelings for him. Benji was literally the person who made him realize that he was gay. The very second he saw Benji in the hallway on his first day at Creekwood High, all of his repressed feelings came to the surface all at once. He should’ve known he was gay from the start. 

Benji noticed Victor struggling and grabbed his hand, rubbing it soothingly, “Hey.. you can talk to me about anything. Please just let me know what’s going on so I can make you feel better, or at the very least attempt to.” Benji said softly. God, if only he knew what he was doing to Victor right now. He wanted so badly to just grab his face and kiss him right then and there but… he couldn’t do that. He knows he can’t. 

“I- I’ve been going through something.. for a long time now. Before I even moved here from Texas.” Victor said barely above a whisper. Okay, good start. Now just keep talking, Victor. Tell him the truth, rip it off like a bandaid.

“What? Why haven’t you told me? You know you can talk to me. About anything.” He squeezes his hand.

“It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you, believe me. The thing is, I literally haven’t told a single person how I’m feeling.” Victor said locking eyes with Benji, speaking in a normal tone now. 

“Vic,” He grabbed his other hand with his free hand, “you can’t do that to yourself. It’s so unhealthy to keep things bottled up inside. Physically and mentally, it’s not fair to yourself. Or to others that are close to you, especially to the people who care about you and love you.”

“Yeah, I know. I guess,” He takes a deep breath before continuing, “I’ve kept what I’ve been feeling for so long is because I’m so used to helping other people with their problems and being the only one in my family who solves every single problem that we have. I always get so wrapped up in it, I always bottle everything up. I just want everyone happy, even if it means I can’t be myself.” He vents out. It was true, his dysfunctional ass family depended on him for everything. They couldn’t go a day without having to putting all of this pressure on him and at the end of everyday he feels like absolute shit. He was just so tired. He felt like he had literally no one to come to with his problems. 

“Victor, no, you can’t think like that. You deserve as much happiness as everyone else. Maybe even more than most people. You are so kind hearted and so, so selfless. You are literally the most selfless and caring person I’ve ever met. I know we have only been working together for a few months now but you are one of my favorite people to be around. And you can’t keep things bottled up because eventually… it will just explode in a very bad way. I learned that the hard way and I don’t want that to happen to you. You don’t deserve that at all. Now tell me what’s on your mind, I wanna help you and I want to be there for you, like you always are for me.” Benji said sincerely, looking up into Victor’s eyes. Victor was truly at loss for words. Nobody has ever cared about him like that, how on earth did he get so lucky? But he was right, he felt like he was gonna burst and just breakdown at any moment. He felt like a ticking time bomb on the verge of going off. 

“O-okay. I’m gonna start off with the small things and just work my way up,” Benji nodded, Victor took another deep breath. “Okay first things first, my parents have been fighting, a lot. Like every night I come home from work it’s always the first thing I hear and I am always the one to cool them down. It’s so exhausting, I really don’t know how much more of it I can take.” 

Benji shoots him a concerning look, “That- I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fin-“

“No it’s not. You shouldn’t have to be dealing with that. How long have they been fighting?” 

“Since before we moved here, which we moved here from a whole different reason than I thought,” Benji gives him a look of confusion, “Well, I thought we moved here because of my dad’s job offer, but in reality…” He pauses trying to get the words out but it was so hard. Benji rubs his hands soothingly, “But in reality, my mom had an affair… with my dad’s old boss.” He said looking down.

Benji gaped at Victor, not believing what he had just said, “Oh my god! What? Victor… I am so sorry. I had no idea.” 

Victor looked back up at him, “How could you? It’s not your fault. I should be apologizing for my dysfunctional family. And Pilar is angry… all the time. But like can you blame her? It’s just a huge mess and I’m just, so tired.” He sighs, shaking his head. 

“And… they spring this all on you, waiting for you to fix their issues?” Victor nods, confirming his question. “I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that feels like. That’s terrible. You shouldn’t have to do all the work for them. That’s why they are the parents, not you.” Victor gives him a weak smile, eyes roaming around the room. “There’s still something you aren’t telling me, isn’t there?” How does Benji do that? It’s like he could read him like an open book or something.

Victor looks at him hesitantly before speaking again, “…Yes, there is. But once I say it, it will become real and I won’t know what to do and I-“ Victor rambles, before being interrupted.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Benji interrupts him, squeezing his hands once more, “it’s all gonna be okay. Alright? I’m here and you’re safe. You can tell me anything, I won’t judge.” Benji reassures him, smiling.

It’s all or nothing, “Like I said before, I’ve been going through something, for a while now, like about two years now.” Victor looks up at him and Benji nods at him to continue, “I’ve just been denying myself something for a really long time now. I try so hard to push this feeling away. So damn hard. And I just make it worse for myself. I feel like I’m always mad at everyone and everything around me, but I’m really just at war with myself. Constantly fighting with myself and fighting how I really feel on what I want, or more so who I want. And I- I don’t wanna fight anymore. I’m just too tired. And I have to be honest with myself and with what I want. I just need to be… myself.” Victor takes a deep breathe, looking up at Benji, who is already looking at him with wide eyes. Probably already knowing what Victor is about to tell him. “Benji I-“ Just say it. Rip it off. Like a gay bandaid, “I’m gay.” Suddenly, he’s able to breathe. A huge weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. 

Benji let out a soft breathe, comprehending what Victor had just told him. It makes Victor feel uneasy on how he still hasn’t said anything. That all goes away when he looks up to see Benji with a huge grin on his face, which never fails to make his heart race. Before he knows it, he’s being engulfed in a hug. 

Once he processed what was going on, he hugged back tightly, never wanting to let go. He feels Benji bury his face in the crook of his neck, Victor had to use all of his will and power not to shiver at the skin to skin contact. 

A few moments later, they broke apart. Victor wiped a tear that was going down his cheek, unaware that he had shed some tears. 

“Sorry I’m a mess.” Victor sniffles, letting out a forced laugh.

Benji shakes his head, putting a hand on Victor’s shoulder, “You have nothing to be sorry for, Vic. Nothing,” His hand slides down his shoulder, caressing his arm, “I’m so proud of you. I know it’s so terrifying coming out to people but you did it and I’m just… I didn’t see it coming whatsoever. But I’m really, really glad you trusted me enough to tell me this. Thank you for opening up to me.” He says a soft smile, gazing up into Victor’s eyes. 

“Of course, it just feels nice to talk to someone about it and not keeping it to myself. You know, it just feels amazing. Like this weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.”

“I completely understand what you’re saying,” A small smile creeps onto Benji’s face, “Wait… am I the first person you came out to?” Benji asks, who is now grinning.

“Yeah, yeah you were. I guess when told me about your story before you came out to everyone was like… a wakeup call. I never know how much longer I have and I can’t just waste my time trying to be someone I’m not. I have to be wholeheartedly myself, I feel like I haven’t lived and now… I feel like I can finally breathe.” Victor said honestly. He looked over at Benji to see his eyes watering, causing Victor to panic. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

“Nothing is wrong, believe me,” He locked eyes with Victor, “You… hearing my coming out story helped you come to terms with who you were and made you want to stop hiding?” Benji asked with a glimpse of hope in his eyes.

“I know that sounds crazy but… yes, it did. Maybe I’ve never drank but basketball has always been my escape. It helps me get out of my head and it’s a-“

“Distraction?” Benji asks.

“Yes, exactly. It’s a distraction. But I’m done distracting myself from being who I am and I’m done hating myself for feeling this way because now I know I have nothing to be ashamed of.” Victor says, feeling like he’s on top of the world. 

Benji scoffs, “Wow. That’s… amazing, Vic. I would have never in a million years expected this. Huh, my gaydar is a little rusty I guess.” 

Victor rolls his eyes, giving Benji a light shove, “Shut up.” But he’s smiling, looking at the man who has his heart but sadly he doesn’t have his. But he was okay with that. He has Benji as a friend and that was enough.

Benji thinks for a moment, thinking about everything Victor had told him in the last five minutes, he looks up at Victor curiously, “Who do you want?” 

Victor does a double take, looking up at Benji immediately, “What?” He squeaks out, confused. 

“You said you were fighting yourself on who you want. Tell me!” Benji asks excitedly. Fuck. He was just about to lose the one person that makes him feel safe, wasn’t he?

Victor chuckles, shaking his head, refusing to give him an answer.

“Oh come on! Is it Felix?” 

“Absolutely not.” He grimaces at the thought. He loves Felix but he could never see him in that way. He’s way too chaotic for Victor’s taste.

“No? What about.. Andrew?” 

Victor’s face scrunches up into disgust, “Hell no. I don’t know if you noticed or not but Andrew and I are not the best of friends. God, sometimes I just wanna punch that smirk off of his face. He’s so aggravating. There is no way in hell I would ever see Andrew like that.” Victor says getting riled up. “Like the dumbass started a GoFundMe to make himself look cool, like who does that?” Victor takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “Sorry, he just really likes to get under my skin.” Victor smiles, shaking his head.

“Damn Victor, I never saw you as the violent type. I thought you would never hurt a fly,” Benji teases, “but don’t worry about Andrew. He always likes to get under everyone’s skin to just get a laugh out of people. He may seem like a bad guy on the outside but he can be.. okay at times.” Victor nods his head. “Anyways, if it’s not Andrew or Felix, then who is it?” Benji asks, oblivious as ever. 

“It’s nobody, don’t worry about it. Not like he’d ever feel the same anyways.” Victor tries reassuring him, hoping for him to just let it go. 

“You don’t know that! Come on, I won’t tell anyone obviously, just tell me. I haven’t seen you been around any other guys, well except me but-“ That’s when it hits him. 

Victor looks down immediately, avoiding eye contact at all costs. Why does he ruin everything good in his life? 

“Benji I-” Victor begins before Benji interrupts him.

“The one you want… is me?” Benji asks. 

Victor looks up at him, to see his expression unreadable. He looks down in his lap again before talking, “I-it doesn’t matter. You’re in a committed relationship with Derek and I am not going to get in the way of that. I’m not gonna lose you as a friend because of how I feel. And I know you don’t feel the same but it’s okay. If I can only have you as a friend, that’s more than enough. I won’t act on the feelings I have for you, I.. I promise.” He says barely above a whisper. 

Benji was at lost for words. Victor liked him? Benji had to admit, he’s had feelings for him since he saw him in the hallway on his first day at Creekwood. He couldn’t deny it. But he was with Derek. He is with Derek. But he also knows Derek doesn’t make him happy like he used to. It seems like whenever he is around him, he’s always anxious and scared to upset him. That’s not healthy. That was toxic. And he knew he had to end things. “Why not?” He asked, responding to his last statement.

Victor looks up at him with a confused expression, “Because you’re with Der-“ Benji interrupts him again.

“Fuck Derek.” He didn’t mean to say that but it was kind of true. Derek didn’t treat him how he wanted to be treated, but he had a good feeling Victor would.

“What?” Victor asked in disbelief, not believing what just came out of Benji’s mouth.

“I- I don’t want Derek, not anymore. I want you.” Benji said honestly.

“Wha- why? You two are amazing together.” Victor said, not understanding what was going on.

“It may seem like that on the outside and when we are around other people… but in reality, that isn’t true at all. He makes me feel anxious practically all the time. He makes fun of me for trying to be romantic with him and calls me a moron for every romantic gesture I make,” Benji pauses before continuing, “When I had told you our date went fine the other day… that was a lie.” He says softly, fiddling with the blanket.

There was so much anger coursing through Victor’s veins. How could anyone ever treat someone like that? Especially someone as good and amazing as Benji? He knew he didn’t like that asshat for a fucking reason. He tried to contain his anger before speaking up, “What do you mean?” He asked, his voice unstable.

“He didn’t appreciate any of it at all, he called anniversaries ‘heteronormative rom-com bullshit’. I- I don’t know-“ Victor grabbed his hand, trying to comfort him. Benji tensed under his touch, not expecting it, “He said it was help to sell greeting cards to morons, I guess. I mean the whole night he was more interested to go to this stupid concert than spend time with me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s not the first time he has acted this way.” Benji sighs in defeat. 

Victor scoffs, shaking his head. His blood was fucking boiling, who did Derek think he was treating someone as amazing and caring as Benji? It made him so angry.

“You look upset… Did I say something to upset you?” Benji asks, worried he upset him.

“I am upset. But not at you, never at you. I’m upset that, that asshole thinks he could treat you like that,” He takes a deep breathe, “ese pedazo de mierda tendrá suerte si no se encuentra conmigo.” He mutters under his breath, but Benji still catches it and raises an eyebrow.

“What was that?” Benji asks with a smirk. 

Victor froze, whenever he got angry he always switched languages. It was out of his control, unfortunately. “Uhm, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He laughed nervously, looking away. 

“Oh, don’t play dumb with me. You said something in spanish. What was it?” He challenges, biting his lip playfully. If only he knew what effect that had on Victor. He was ready to risk it all.

“Um, I kind of called him a piece of shit and that’d he would be lucky if I didn’t run into him,” Victor winces, “sorry, that was rude of me to say.” 

Benji shakes his head, “No, no not at all. You’re right. He is a piece of shit,” Benji smiles sadly, “God, I don’t know why I stayed with him this long because he doesn’t make me happy anymore. I have to break up with him.” Benji realizes. 

“I mean, are you sure? I don’t want you to feel pressured to end things with him just because of my feelings. I mean, you guys have been together for a year. I don’t want to be the reason for you guys to split up.” Victor says, concerned. Was he really all that worth it? 

“Vic,” He puts his hand on Victor’s neck, “how many times do I have to say it? He doesn’t make me happy. He hasn’t for a long time. But you’ve made me happy ever since I met you. The year I was with him, was hell. Yes, we had some good moments together but we had a lot of bad ones too. I can’t keep being with him, he doesn’t treat me how I want or deserve to be treated, but,” He looks up into Victor’s eyes, “you do. You treat me how I crave to be treated. You don’t make me feel bad for being a romantic or make me feel bad about the things I like to do. You inspire me to be better and to let loose and just be myself. With Derek, I always have this guard up and try to be someone I’m not, just for the sake of pleasing him. But I’m done doing that. I need to be myself, fully myself. And I can do that, with you. I want you. I wanna be with you in every way. I have for a very long time now.” 

Victor grins at him, how did someone as amazing and gorgeous as Benji, like him? He just couldn’t believe his ears. “R-really?” He stutters, at total lost for words. He has dreamed of this, he didn’t expect this to become his reality, but he was not complaining a single bit.

Benji smiles, scrunching up his nose, “Really.” 

“God, you’re adorable.” Victor says out of impulse.

Benji blushed, ducking his head down. 

Victor finds himself letting go of Benji’s hand, grabbing his face with his hands, to make him look at him again, “Not only are you adorable, but you’re beautiful. You amaze me Benji.” He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Benji this red before.

Benji looks up into his eyes, thinking about what he’s about to next. He knows he shouldn’t, given that they are both still in relationships with other people but he couldn’t help it. He’s been wanting to do this ever since he saw him for the first time. He surges forward, connecting their lips.

Victor is taken back at first, but once he realizes what Benji was doing, he kisses him back in full force. Their lips move perfectly in sync together. He craved for more and more, never wanting to stop. He liked kissing Mia, he had butterflies kissing Mia. But kissing Benji? God, he couldn’t even begin to explain it. It was like, nothing he’s ever felt in his life before. It was exactly how Simon described it to him, like jet fighters going off or getting hit by a huge wave. And it was, so amazing. He’s never kissed Mia like this. It felt like there was fireworks going off, so much electricity between the two of them. 

He cradles his face, between his hands. He feels Benji’s hand tangle in his hair, pulling himself closer to him. It felt so nice and just, so right. 

Benji gets frustrated, not being satisfied with the amount of space there was between them, swings his leg over Victor’s lap, straddling him.

Victor moans in surprise, pulling back, “Woah. That was-“

“Shut up.” Benji says before grabbing his face, kissing him again, shutting him up. All he wanted to was kiss him. No, all he needed to do was kiss him. Victor put his arms around his waist, pulling Benji closer to him. 

Benji finds himself slipping his tongue into Victor’s mouth, only for Victor to do the same in return. Victor sighs happily in Benji’s mouth, never wanting it to end. He can’t remember the last time he was this happy. Was he ever really this happy before? He felt so…whole. Benji was like a missing puzzle piece from his life and he feels so complete. He’s just so happy.

Benji wrapped his arms tightly around Victor’s neck, getting even closer to him, if that was even possible. It never felt this good kissing Derek. Yes, kissing Derek was good and he used to love doing it, but they never kissed like this…never this intense and passionate. It was so clear that Victor would be everything for Benji, that Derek never would. And he was okay with that. More than okay with that.

A few moments later, they broke apart, resting their foreheads against each other. When they eventually caught their breathes, they laughed happily.

“Wow. That was…amazing.” Was all Victor could come up in that moment.

“Yeah.” Benji says, licking his lips, still on Victor’s lap. Then a thought crosses his mind. Mia. “What- what about Mia?”

Shit. Mia had never crossed his mind. But he knew he had to tell her as soon as he got back. “Well, as soon as we get back tomorrow, I’m gonna meet up with her and tell her,” He looks up to see the uncertainty in Benji’s eyes, “I swear. I am, I can’t keep living this lie. Even if it means that I’ll lose her as a friend, but I’m gonna talk to her as soon as we get back. I promise.” Victor says softly.

Benji looks into his eyes, seeing no hesitation in them and sighs in relief, “Okay, I believe you. I’m so proud of you and I’m so glad you told me, obviously.” Benji laughs.

“Me too.” Victor smiles, the biggest he’s ever smiled in his life. 

Benji leans down, capturing his lips another time and cups his cheeks. This time it was more gentle, very soft. 

Victor rests his hands on his lower back, delicately. Yeah, he could get used to this.

Once they break apart, Victor lets out a breath, “Okay, we should actually get going to sleep for real this time.” He laughs.

“I suppose.” He says but doesn’t move.

“In order to do that, you should probably get off of me, unfortunately.” Victor whispers.

Benji pouts, “Do I have to?” He whines, not wanting to move.

“Much to my disappointment, yes I think so. But,” Benji raises his eyebrow, “we can cuddle, I- I mean if you want. We totally don’t have to-“ Victor rambles on.

“I’d love to.” Benji laughs.

Benji sighs in defeat, getting out of Victor’s lap, moving back to his side of the bed.

Victor turns to Benji, and smiles brightly at him. Hesitantly, he runs his fingers through Benji’s hair, moving it out of his face, making Benji blush once more. 

They stare at each other for a few more moments, before deciding to get back under the covers. Benji turns to turn the light back off.

Benji scoots closer to Victor, resting his head on his chest. Victor finds himself running his fingers through Benji’s hair again, soothing him.

“It’s going to be okay, Vic. All of it. I’ll be right next to you, through all of it. You’re not alone. Not ever again.” Benji says sleepily.

“I know and I’m so grateful for you. Thank you for being here with me and I’m excited for this journey with you.” 

Benji smiles, wrapping his arms around Victor’s torso, digging his head more into his chest. “Me too, you have no idea,” He reaches up, giving Victor one last peck on the lips, “Goodnight.” Benji smiles.

Victor wraps his arms around Benji’s back, “Goodnight.”

He knew everything would be alright. With Benji by his side, he was unstoppable.


End file.
